Morning, sir, can I help you?
Oh, yes, I wondered if you have
Any part-time vacancies on your books.
Part-time, I'll have a look, sir.
See we've got, uh... ah, yes.
Sir walter raleigh is equipping
Another expedition to virginia.
He needs traders and sailors.
Vittlers needed
At the court of philip of spain.
Oh, yeah, and they want
Master joiners and craftsmen
For the building of the globe theater.
I see, haven't you got anything a bit more modern?
You know, like a job on the buses
Or digging the underground?
Well, no, we only have tudor jobs.
That can't be very profitable, can it?
Well, you'd be surprised, actually, sir.
The tudor economy's booming
Ever since sir humphrey gilbert
Opened up the northwest passage to cathay
And the cabots' expansion in canada
There's been a tremendous surge in exports
And trade with the holy roman empire is going...
No, quite right, it's no good at all.
What?
It's a dead loss.
We haven't put anyone in a job since 1625.
I see.
That's all?
What?
That's all you say?
Yes.
No, no, we were the tops then.
Drake got all his sailors here.
Elizabeth, we supplied the archbishops for her coronation.
Shakespeare started off from here as a temp.
Then came james i
And the bottom fell out of the tudor jobs.
1603-- 800 vacancies filled.
1604-- 4o.
1605-- none.
1606-- none.
The rest of the stuart period-- nothing.
Hanoverians-- nothing.
Victorians-- nothing.
Saxe-coburgs-- nothing.
Windsors... what did you want?
Dirty books, please.
Right.
Sir, sorry about the tudor bit.
But you can't be too careful, you know?
Have you got anything a bit, uh...?
Stronger? hold on.
My lord of warwick!
'allo!
Raise high the drawbridge.
Gloucester's troops approach.
Right!
Can't be too careful, you know, sir.
There's bridget, queen of the whip.
Yes...
Or there's naughty nora.
No...
Or there's this one:
Doug, bob and gordon visit the ark royal.
Or there's sister teresa, the spanking nun.
You don't have anything specifically
About devon and cornwall?
No, I'm afraid not, sir.
The one I was really after was
Arthur hotchkiss' devonshire country churches.
Well, how about this, sir-- bum biters?
No, not really.
And I don't suppose you've got
Any general surveys of english church architecture?
It's not really our line, sir.
No, I see, well, never mind.
I'll just take the lord lieutenant in nylons then
And I'll trade in these two copies of piggie parade.
Right, sir.
My lord of warwick!
'allo?
Raise high the drawbridge.
Gloucester's troops approach!
Right!
Just these, then.
All right, this is a raid.
My name is superintendent gaskell
And this is sergeant maddox.
Sir phillip sidney, 'tis good to see thee
On these shores again.
Shut up.
Your suit is fair and goodly cut.
Was't from antwerp?
Shut up. it's a disguise.
Right! confiscate the smutty books, maddox.
Sir phillip, prithee nay!
Listen, mate
Don't come that phillip sidney bit with me.
I'm not a bloody tudor at all.
I'm gaskell of the vice squad and this is sergeant maddox.
Maddox?!
Where's he gone?
Sir phillip, prithee rest awhile.
Look, this is the last time
I'm warning you.
I'm not sir phillip bleeding sidney.
I am superintendent harold gaskell
And this is a raid.
That'll be 540 quid, sir.
Oh, I'll just have this one then.
Maddox!
Look, this is a raid...
Honestly.
I promise you.
Where are you going?
I'm going home.
Right.
Well, I'll remember you.
Don't you worry, I'll remember you.
Pray, good sir phillip...
Don't you start.
Maddox!
Listen, I can prove to you I'm a policeman.
I'll give the names of all the men
Down in "f" division at acton.
Inspector arthur perry
Superintendent charles frodwell, my best friend
Police dogs butch, wolf, panther, maudling.
How would I know those names
If I was sir phillip sidney?
Vicar, vicar, you know me.
The gargoyle club.
I got you off the charge.
Farewell, good sir phillip.
Hey, stop!
Maddox!
You'll never get away with this, you porn merchant!
Blimey!
Maddox?
Maddox!
Oh, good sir, how glad I am to see thee come.
Forgive me weeping, but my love has gone.
Uh, listen, my name is gaskell...
Superintendent gaskell of vice squad.
Myself and sergeant maddox...
Are on a raid.
We are not tudor people.
We are the police.
Frances, what idleness is this?
Why, good sir phillip sidney!
What hast thou here?
You are sir phillip sidney?
Possibly...
But I may be superintendent gaskell
Of the vice squad.
Ah, good, sir phillip
Thy sharp-tongued wit has not deserted thee.
Come, let us eat and drink.
Stay with us awhile.
All right, sir, I think I will.
Then... then did we bust the harry tony mob
Who did seek to import
Scandinavian filth via germany.
For six years they cleaned up a packet.
The day I got whiff of them through a squealer
Did, within a week, a mop-up right good.
They're now languishing
Doing five years' bird in parkhurst.
Sir phillip!
The spaniards have landed
In the netherlands.
My lord walsingham needs you there forthwith.
Let's go.
Good luck, sir phillip!
Fight against filth!
Where are the spaniards?
Down below, sir phillip.
Their first boats are landing even now.
Right, you stay here, I'll go and get them.
Sir phillip, not alone!
'allo, 'allo!
What's going on here?
Is nothing, senor, is just some literature.
I know what literature is, you dago dustbin.
I also know what porn is.
What's this then, eh?
Is one of lope de vega's latest plays, senor.
Toledo tit parade?
What kind of a play is that?
Is very visual, senor.
Right, I'm taking this lot in
In the name of her gracious majesty queen elizabeth.
Oh, but senor.
Don't give me any trouble.
Just pile up these baskets of filth
And come with me.
No!
The battle raged long and hard
But as night fell, sidney overcame the spaniards.
6,000 copies of tits and bums
And 4,000 copies of shower sheila were seized that day.
The tide of spanish porn was stemmed.
Sir phillip sidney returned to london in triumph.
Covered in glory
Sir phillip rode home to penshurst
To see his beloved wife.
But all was not well.
Good evening all, my love.
I have returned safe from the low countries.
What art thou reading, fair one?
Oh, it is nothing, husband.
I can see 'tis something.
Uh... 'tis one of shakespeare's latest works.
Oh...
Gay boys in bondage.
What, is't-- tragedy? comedy?
Uh... 'tis, uh...
'tis a story of a... a man's great love
For his... fellow men.
How fortunate we are indeed
To have such a poet on these shores.
Indeed.
How was the war, my lord?
The spaniards were defeated thrice.
Six dozen chests of hard-core captured.
Hast brought home any spoils of war?
Yes, good my wife.
This fair coat trimmed with ermine.
Oh, lovely.
Nowt else?
No, no, fair lady, the rest was too smutty.
Now, my good wife, while I rest, read to me a while
From shakespeare's gay boys in bondage.
Uh...
Yes, my lord.
Gay boys in bondage.
"ken, 25, is a mounted policeman with a difference
"and, what a difference!
"even roger is surprised
"and he's... he's used to real men.
'tis like hamlet.
What a genius!
"but who is going to do the cooking tonight?
Roddy's got a mouthful..."
All right!
This is a raid.
Oh, we are disgraced.
There you are, maddox.
Cut the chat and get in the van.
Maddox, you recognize me.
Indeed I do, sir phillip sidney
And sad I am to see you
Caught up in this morass of filth.
Ooh, that's a long one.
Oh, oh, the glorious name of sidney is besmirched.
All is lost, oh, alas the day!
Shut up! I know this man.
It's me old mate, sergeant maddox.
You'll do time for this.
Oh, maddox, it's me, gaskell--
"f" division down at acton.
Inspector arthur frodwell...
Come on, sidney.
And you, miss.
I'm not sir phillip bleeding sidney.
Where were you?
We could have mopped up that tudor shop.
Ooh, that's a good one.
It's me, it's gaskell.
Yes, I'll explain this to you
When I get back at the station
That you've got the wrong man!
Prithee, what is't that here I hold?
If is't be brian's, than to fight I go.
But, no.
Alas, if fortune doth perceive, I am undone.
No, cyril must not know.
But no, yes, no... ah, ah, ah, resolved.
But, hark, someone approaching.
Take heed, my lord
Kevin and bruce are here.
It's so nice here, isn't it, darling?
Oh, it's beautiful.
It's... it's paris all over again.
Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?
Uh... no, no, not at all.
Are you sure you don't mind?
Uh, yes, yes, absolutely.
You're sure I won't be disturbing you?
No, no.
You're absolutely sure I won't be disturbing you?
No, no, really.
Good, because I don't want to disturb you.
I'm sorry?
I don't want to disturb you
Especially as you're being so kind
About me not disturbing you.
We don't mind, do we, darling?
No, no, darling.
Good, so I can go ahead
And join you then, can i?
Yes, yes. yes, please.
Won't be disturbing?
No, no. no, no, no.
Good, good, you're very kind.
A lot of people are far less understanding
Than you are.
A lot of people take offense while I even talk to them
Let alone when I specifically tell them
About my... being disturbing.
Well, it's not particularly disturbing.
No, absolutely, absolutely.
That's what I always say.
But you'd be amazed...
You'd be amazed at the number of people
Who really don't want me.
Too-too, too-too-too
Too-too-too, too-too-too
Too, too, too, too
Too-too, too-too-too, too.
Too-too, too-too-too...
I mean, even doing this gets people looking at me
In the most extraordinary way.
Vicar, we must be getting on.
I knew I'd disturb you, I knew I'd disturb you.
It always happens.
Whenever I've found someone
I really think I'm going to be able to get on with...
No, the thing is, we're going to be late...
Darling, come on, let's stay.
Well, just a little bit.
I mean, we will be late if we don't...
Oh, thank you, you're very kind.
Too-too, too-too-too
Too-too-too, too-too-too
Too, too, too, too...
Too-too, too-too-too...
As it turned out
Our chance meeting with the reverend arthur belling
Was to change our whole way of life
And every sunday
We'd hurry along to st. loony up the cream bun and jam...
Congregation: too-too, too-too-too
Too-too-too, too-too-too
Too, too, too, too...
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuseses.
Right, sir, one safari snowball.
That comes to funt1,361.48
And we'll throw the nude man in for free.
All right, gentlemen, last orders, please.
Oh, do you want a drink before they close?
No, I want a kiss.
Oh, goody.
And so they lived happily ever after.
But now...
The "free repetition of doubtful words skit, spoof, jape, or vignette"
By a very underrated writer.
I have come
For some free repetition of doubtful words
On an inland telegram.
Have you the telegram in question?
I have the very thing here.
Well, slip it to me, my good chap
And let me eye the contents.
At once, mr. telegram enquiry man.
Thank you, mr. customer man.
Ha-ho! "parling, I glove you.
"clease clome at bronce.
Your troving swife, pat."
Which was the word you wanted checking?
"pat."
"pat"?
My wife's name is not pat at all.
No?
It's bat with a "b."
And therefore I will take
A quick look in the book.
Ripping.
You're quite right, old cock.
There has been a mistake.
I thought as much.
What really does it say?
It say, "go away, you silly little bleeder
"I am having another man.
Love, bat."
Quite some error.
Yes, she wouldn't call herself pat.
It's silly.
Daft, I call it.
Well, it has been a pleasure working with you.
For me, also, it has been a pleasure.
And that concludes our little skit.
The "free repetition of doubtful words thing"
By a justly underrated writer.
The end.
Good evening, tonight on is there?
We examine the question, "is there a life after death?"
And here to discuss it are three dead people...
The late sir brian hardaker
Former curator of the imperial war museum
The late professor thynne
Until recently an academic critic and broadcaster
And putting the point of view of the church of england
The very late prebendary reverend ross.
Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not?
Sir brian?
Professor?
Prebendary?
Well, there we have it-- three say "no."
On is there? next week, we'll be discussing the question
"is there enough of it about?"
Until then, good night.
Good doctor morning.
Nice year for the time of day.
Come in.
Can I down sit?
Certainly.
Well, then?
Well, I'm not going
To bush the doctor about the beat too long.
I'm going to come to point the straight immediately.
Good, good.
My particular prob
Or buglem bear, I've had ages.
For years, I've had it for donkeys.
What?
I'm up to here with it.
I'm sick to death.
I can't take you any longer
So I've come to see it.
Ah, now, this is your problem with words.
This is my problem with words.
Oh, that seems to have cleared it.
Oh, I come from alabama with my banjo on my knee
Yes, that seems to be all right.
Thank you very much.
I see, uh, but recently you have been having
This problem with your word order.
Well, absolutely, and what makes it worse
Is that sometimes at the end of a sentence
I'll come out with the wrong fuse box.
"fuse box"?
And the thing about saying the wrong word
Is that "a," I don't notice it
And "b," sometimes orange water given
Bucket of plaster.
Yes, tell me more about your problem.
Well, as I say, you'd just be talking
And out'll pudenda the wrong word
And ashtray's your uncle.
I'm awfully strawberry about it.
Upset?
It's so embarrassing
When my wife and i go to an orgy.
A party?
No, an orgy.
We live in esher.
Quite.
That's what I said.
It's such a bloody whack the diddle-o
Fal-di-ral, fa-di-da, lo-di-do-di-do-fum-fum.
Mr. burrows, this is no common problem.
You are suffering from a disease so rare
That it hasn't got a name-- not yet.
But it will have, oh, yes!
This is the opportunity I've been waiting for--
The chance of a lifetime!
I'll show them at the royal college of surgeons.
I'll make them sit up and take notice.
Thripshaw's disease!
Discovered by e. henry thripshaw, m.d.
I'll be invited on call my bluff, and the merchandising--
There'll be e. henry thripshaw t-shirts!
I'll turn it into a game!
I'll sell the film rights!
That clip... comes from the new david o. seltzer... film.
The author...
Of that film clip...
Is with me...
Now.
Dr. e. henry...
Thripshaw.
Well, I feel that they've missed the whole point of my disease.
This is...
Always the problem... with...
Directors...
Of film...
Clips.
Yes, well, you see
They've dragged in all this irrelevant mush.
What...
Are you doing...
Now?
Well, at the present moment, I'm working on a new disease
Which I hope to turn into a musical...
But primarily, we are working on a remake of my first disease
And this time we're hoping to do it properly.
Well...
Let's just...
Take a...
Look at this new...
Film...
Clip.
Well, now, what seems to be the matter?
The next sketch follows after some silly noises.
Come in.
I wondered if I could have
A word with you for a moment.
By all means, by all means, sir.
Do sit down.
Uh... sit on the desk here.
Oh, thank you.
Now then, glass of sherry?
No, thank you.
Are you sure?
I'm going to have some.
Well, if you're having some
Yes, then perhaps, vicar.
Oh, there's only just enough for me.
Well, in that case
I won't, don't worry.
You see, if I split what's left
Well, there'd hardly be any left for me at all.
Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.
Good, so I can have it all.
Now then, what's the problem?
Well, just recently
I've begun to worry about...
Oh!
Found another bottle.
You can have some now if you want to.
Oh, well then, yes, perhaps a little.
Oh, you don't have to, I can drink the whole bottle.
Um, in that case, no.
Good, that's another bottle for me-- right.
I've begun to worry recently that...
Come in!
Vicar: ah, mr. husband.
This is mr. kirkham, one of my parishioners.
This is mr. husband
Of the british sherry corporation.
Look, look, perhaps I better come back later.
No, no, no, do stay here.
Have a sherry.
You won't be long, will you, husband?
Oh, no, vicar, just a question
Of signing a few forms.
There we are.
There we are, mr. husband.
Now, how about you, mr. kirkham?
Well, only if there's enough.
Ah, well, there's not much now.
Oh... in that case, no, I won't.
Good. right.
Right, now then.
What is the problem, husband?
Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers
And the most sherry they can ship in any one load
Is 12,000 gallons.
And how many glasses is that?
That's roughly 540,000 glasses, vicar.
That's excellent, husband, excellent.
Yes, it means you can still keep your main sherry supply
On the roof, but you can have an emergency supply
Underneath the vestry, of 5,000 gallons.
Or I could have dry sherry on the roof
And amontillado in the underground tank.
Absolutely.
Excellent work, husband
Excellent work.
Not at all, vicar.
You're one of our best customers--
You and the united states.
Bye-bye, terrific.
Now, then, mr. kirkham, I am so sorry, do go on.
Well, it's just that recently
I've begun to worry about...
Well, look, does the bible intend...
Amontillado!
Hey, hey, hey!
Amontillado!
From the old land of spain, we come to honor you
Arriba! arriba!
From miles and miles away, we salute you.
You make us so, so happy in spain
Reverend tomlinson...
Ole!
What did you want?
Dirty books, please.
Right.
E. henry thripshaw t-shirts are now available
From bbc enterprises.
Boxing tonight comes from the empire pool, wembley
And features the main heavyweight bout
Between jack bodell, british and empire heavyweight champion
And sir kenneth clark.
It's the first time these two have met
So there should be some real action tonight.
This then is the height
Of the english renaissance
The triumph of classical over gothic...
He's down.
Sir kenneth clark is down in eight seconds.
But he's up again, he's up at six.
The almost ordered facades of palladio's villas reflect...
And he's down again
And I don't think he's going to get up this time.
No, so jack bodell has defeated sir kenneth clark
In the very first round here tonight.
And so this big lincolnshire heavyweight becomes
The new oxford professor of fine art.
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuseses.
Stand and deliver!
Drop that gun!
Let that be a warning to you all.
You move at your peril for I have two pistols here.
I know one of them isn't loaded anymore
But the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure
Or just about for sure anyway.
It certainly wouldn't be
Worth your while risking it
Because I'm a very good shot.
I practice every day.
Well, not absolutely every day
But most days in the week.
I expect I must practice four or five times a week...
At least... at least four or five
Only some weekends, like last weekend
There wasn't much time
So that brings the average down a bit.
But I should say
It's definitely a solid four days' practice every week
At least.
I mean, I reckon I could hit that tree over there--
The one behind the hillock.
Not the big hillock, the little hillock on the left.
You can see the three trees--
The third from the left
And back a bit, that one--
I reckon I could hit that four times out of five...
On a good day.
Say, with this wind, say... say, seven times out of ten.
What-- that tree there?
Which one?
The big beech
With the sort of bare branch
Coming out of the top left.
No, no, not that one.
No, no, he means the one over there.
Look, do you see that one there?
Yes.
Well, now go two along to the right.
Just near that little bush.
Well, it's the one just behind it.
Ah, the elm!
That's not an elm.
An elm's got sort of great clumps of leaves like that.
That's either a beech or a, um... a, uh... a hornbeam.
A hornbeam?
No, not a hornbeam.
What's the tree that has
A leaf with sort of regular veins coming out
And the veins go all the way out to the...
Serrated!
To the serrated edges?
A willow.
That's right.
That's nothing like a willow.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
I could hit it seven times out of ten-- that's the point.
Never a willow.
Shut up!
This is a holdup, not a botany lesson.
Right! now, my fine friends, no false moves, please.
I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.
Lupins?!
Yes, lupins, come on, come on!
What do you mean-- lupins?
Don't try and play for time.
I'm not.
You mean the flower lupins?
That's right.
Well, we haven't got any lupins.
Honestly.
Look, my fine friends
I happen to know that this is the lupin express.
You must be out of your tiny mind.
Get out of the coach.
Come on, get out!
Just as I thought.
Not clever enough, my fine friends.
Come on, concorde.
Well, so much for the lupins.
Dennis moore, dennis moore
Galloping through the sward
Dennis moore, dennis moore
And his horse, concorde
He steals from the rich
And gives to the poor
Mr. moore
Mr. moore...
Here we are, I'll be back.
Mr. moore.
Morning, mrs. trepidatious.
Oh, I don't know what's good about it.
My right arm's hanging off something awful.
Oh, you want to have that seen to.
What-- by that dr. morrison?
He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils.
What do the stars say?
Well, petula clark says burst them early
But david frost...
No, the stars in the paper
You cloth-eared heap of anteater's catarrh.
The zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates
The astrological portents
The omens, the genethliac prognostications
The mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances
The fratidical premonitory utterances of the mantalogical omens.
What do the bleeding stars in the paper predict
Forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticate...
And this is where you at home can join in.
Forebode, bode, augur, spell...
Foretoken, presage, portend
Foreshow, foreshadow, fore-run
Herald, point to, betoken, indicate?!
I don't know.
What are you?
I'm nesbitt.
There's not a zodiacal sign called nesbitt.
All right, derry and toms.
"aquarius, scorpio, virgo, derry and toms.
April 29 to march 22, even dates only."
Well, what does it presage?
"you have green, scaly skin
"and a soft yellow underbelly
"with a series of finlike ridges
"running down your spine and tail.
"although lizardlike in shape
"you can grow anything up to 30 feet in length
"with huge teeth that can bite off
"great rocks and trees.
"you inhabit arid subtropical zones
And wear spectacles."
Hmm, it's very good about the spectacles.
It's amazing!
Hmm, what's yours, irene?
Basil.
I'm sorry, what's yours, basil?
No, that's my star sign-- basil.
There isn't a star sign...
Yes, there is.
"aquarius, sagittarius, derry and toms
Basil-- june 21 till june 22."
Well, what does it say?
"you have green, scaly skin
"and a series of yellow underbellies running down
Your spine and tail..."
That's exactly the same!
Oh! try another one.
What's aquarius?
It's a zodiacal sign.
I know that!
What's it say in the paper, mrs. flan-and-pickle?
All right.
Oh! it says, "a wonderful day ahead.
"you'll be surrounded by family and friends.
"roger moore will drop in for lunch
"bringing tony curtis with him.
"in the afternoon, a substantial cash sum will come your way.
"in the evening, petula clark will visit your home
"accompanied by the mike sammes singers.
"she will sing for you in your own living room.
"before you go to bed, peter wyngarde will come
And declare his undying love for you."
Both: eww!
What's scorpio?
Oh, that's very good.
"you will have lunch with a school friend of duane eddy's
"who will insist on whistling
"some of duane's greatest instrumental hits.
"in the afternoon, you will die.
You will be buried..."
Good morning.
Oh, morning, doctor.
And how's the old arm this morning, mrs. ikon?
Oh, it's still hanging off at the shoulder.
Good, well, let's have a look at it, shall we?
Oh, damn!
Oh, damn this wretched little bag.
Oh, damn, this wretched, bloody little bag.
If there's one thing I hate about being a doctor
It's this wretched, bloody little bag.
Oh, damn this wretched, bloody little bag!
Damn it!
Damn that wretched little bag.
Damn you wretched little bag!
There, right.
What's that doing in here?
Right! well...
Hand over the money.
Come on, all of it.
Thank you.
Yes, that seems to be okay.
I'll just test your reflexes.
Everything seems to be okay.
I'll see you next week.
Keep collecting the pensions
And try not to spend too much on food.
Thank you, doctor.
Morning, mr. henson.
How are we today?
Not too bad, doctor.
Okay, take it easy.
Expecting any postal orders this week?
No.
Righto.
Ah, mr. rodgers, have you got
Your unemployment benefits, please?
Right-- well, can you write me
A check then, please?
Thank you very much.
Soon have you down to nothing.
Ah, mr. millichope.
Hmm... two hours left to do.
Ooh, lovely!
Dinner's ready, dear.
Sorry, your time's up, mr. spewm.
I'm afraid you lose both the 3p suite
And your youngest daughter.
Hello.
Should there be another television channel
Or should there not?
On tonight's program, the minister for broadcasting
The right honorable mr. ian throat m.p.
Good evening.
The chairman
Of amalgamated money tv, sir abe sappenheim.
Good evening.
The shadow spokesman
For television, lord kinwoodie.
Hello.
And a television critic
Mr. patrick loone.
Hello.
Gentlemen
Should there be a fourth television channel or not?
Ian?
Yes.
Francis?
Nope.
Sir abe?
Yes.
Patrick?
No.
Well, there you have it--
Two say "will," two say "won't."
We'll be back again next week, and next week's great debate
Will be about government interference in broadcasting
And will be canceled mysteriously.
Just starting on bbc 1 now, victoria regina
The inspiring tale of the simple crofter's daughter
Who worked her way up to become queen of england
And empress of the greatest empire television has ever seen.
On bbc 2 now, episode three of george i
The new 116-part serial
About the famous english king who hasn't been done yet.
On itv now, the...
...but absolutely delightful.
But, of course, you know, who cares?
Ah! 'tis my lord of buckingham.
Pray welcome, your grace.
Thank you, grantley.
Ladies, may i introduce to you
The man who prophesied
That a german monarch would soon embroil this country
In continental affairs.
Oh, how so, my lord?
Madam, you will recall that, prior to his accession
Our gracious sovereign george had become involved
In the long-standing northern war
Through his claim to bremen and verdun.
These duchies would provide
An outlet to the sea
Of the utmost value to hanover.
The treaty of westphalia
Has assigned them to sweden.
In 1648.
Exactly.
Meanwhile, frederick william of denmark
Taking advantage of the absence of charles xii
Seized them-- 1712.
Oh, yes.
It all falls into place-- more wine?
Oh, thank you.
However, just prior to his accession
George had made an alliance
With frederick william of prussia
On the grounds of party feeling.
While frederick william had married george's only daughter.
I remember the wedding.
But chiefly, through concern
At the concerted action...
Stand and deliver!
Dennis moore!
The same.
And now, my lords, my ladies
Your lupins, please.
Our what?
Come, come, don't play games with me, my lord of buckingham.
What can you mean?
Your life or your lupins
My lord.
In a bunch, in a bunch.
Thank you, my friends.
And now a good evening to you all.
He seeks them here, he seeks them there
He seeks those lupins everywhere.
The murdering blackguard!
He's taken all our lupins.
Not quite.
Oh, you tricked him.
We still have one.
Hooray!
Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the night
Soon every lupin in the land will be in his mighty hand
He steals them from the rich and gives them to the poor
Mr. moore
Mr. moore.
Try to eat some, my dear.
It'll give you strength.
Oh, mr. moore, mr. moore, she's going fast.
Don't worry, I've...
I've brought you something.
Medicine, at last?
No.
Food?
Nope.
Blankets?
Clothes, wood for the fire?
Nope.
Lupins!
Oh, christ!
I thought you'd like them.
I'm sick to bloody death of them!
So am i!
She's bloody dying
And all you bring us is lupins!
All we've eaten, mate, for the last four bleeding weeks
Is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin
Braised lupin in lupin sauce
Lupin in the basket with sauteed lupins
Lupin meringue pie, lupin sorbet.
We sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins
We feed the cat on lupins
We burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things!
Looks very smart.
Oh, shut up!
We're sick to death with the stench of them!
Look!
The cat's just choked itself to death on them!
I don't care if I never see another lupin
Till the day I die!
Why don't you go out and steal something useful?
Like what?
Like gold and silver and clothes
And wood and jewels and...
Hang on, I'll get a piece of paper.
Dennis moore, dennis moore, dum, dum, dum, the night.
Dennis moore, dennis moore, dum, de, dum, dum, plight.
He steals dum, dum, dum and dum, dum, dum, dum, dee
Dennis, dum, dennis, dee, dum, dum, dum.
This, coupled with the presence
Of peter and his prussians in mecklenburg
And charles and his swedes in pomerania
Made george and stanhope eager to come to terms with france.
Meanwhile, a breach had now opened with...
Oh, no, not again!
Oh, come on!
Stand and deliver again!
Your money, your jewelry, your... hang on...
Your clothes, your snuff, your ornaments
Your glassware, your pussy cats...
Don't say anything about the lupin.
Your watches, your lace, your spittoons...
Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the woods
Dennis moore, dennis moore, with a bag of things
He gives to the poor and he takes from the rich
Dennis moore, dennis moore...
Here we are.
Dennis moore.
Well, it may be the end of that
But it's certainly far from the end of...
Well, in fact, it's the beginning...
Well, not quite the beginning.
Well, certainly nearer the beginning than the end...
Well, yes, damn it, it is, to all intents and purposes
The beginning of this year's ideal loon exhibition
Sponsored by the daily express.
Numbskulls and boobies from all over the country
Have been arriving to go through their strange paces
Before a large paying crowd.
This is the 15th ideal loon exhibition
And we took a good look round
After it was opened by its patron.
Here's kevin bruce, the digger duffer from down under
Who's ranked 14th in the world's silly positions league.
This kind of incoherent behavior
Is really beginning to catch on down under.
There's norman kirby, from new zealand, whose specialty
Is standing behind a screen with a lady with no clothes on.
In real life, norman is a gynecologist
But this is his lunch hour.
And from france
There's a superb exhibition of rather silly behavior
By the friends of the free french osteopaths.
...trois, un, deux, trois, un, deux, trois
Un, deux, trois, un, deux, trois...
They do this over 400 times a day.
Nobody knows why.
But for sheer pointless behavior
You've got to admire brian broomers
The battling british boy who, for two weeks
Has been suspended over a tin of condemned veal.
Always popular with the crowd
Is the scotsman with nae trews exhibit
And this year's no exception.
Sponsored by natural gas and glasgow city council
This exhibit is entirely supported
By voluntary contributions.
But for a truly magnificent waste of time
You've got to go no further than the exhibit from italy--
Italian priests in custard
Discussing vital matters of the day.
These lads from a seminary near cremona
Have been practicing for well over a year.
As always, one of the great attractions
Of this 14-day exhibition
Is the display of counter marching
Given by the massed pipes and toilet requisites
Of the colwyn bay massed pipes and toilet requisites club.
An interesting point about these boys is
They all have one thing in common-- hip injuries.
Not far away, the crowds are flocking to see
A member of the famous royal canadian mounted geese.
But the climax of the whole event is the judging.
Mr. justice burke.
Well, that's the last
And let's just see those last six once again.
And the winner is number 41, mr. justice burke.
Attention, attention, suspect heading due north.
Plan 13-a is now in effect.
Whoop!
Yet fear, not like an aged florin
Can so disseminate men's eyes
That fortune, straining at a kissing touch
May stop her ceaseless search
To sport amidst the rampant thrust of time
And bring the thing undone to pass
By that with which the cock may chance an arm.
Well, that's all very well, sir
But this is an off-license.
Uh, just a bottle of sherry then, please.
Certainly, um, amontillado?
Yes, I think amontillado--
Finely grown, well-chosen
From the cask of pluto's hills
Cell'd deep within the vinous soil of spain
Wrench'd thence from fiery regions of the sun...
Yes, yes, sir, just one bottle?
Just one bottle.
Just one jot.
Just one tittle.
That's the lot.
There we are, sir.
That'll be a pound, sir.
A pound, a pound
And all around abound a pound found found
Lost lost the cost till was't embossed...
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, good victualler, nature's trencherman
Mine honest tapster...
I was just wondering, are you a poet?
No, no, I'm... I'm a solicitor.
A solicitor... oh.
Well-versed within the written law of man
Who can to those who need...
Oh, shut up!
I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I've caught poetry.
Oh, really?
Well, don't worry, sir
I used to suffer from short stories.
Really? when?
Oh, once upon a time.
There lived in wiltshire
A young chap called dennis moore.
Now, dennis was a highwayman by profession
And for several months
He'd been stealing from the rich
To give to the poor.
One day...
Here we are again.
Mr. jenkins?
There we are.
I'll be back.
Meanwhile, frederick william, busily engaged
In defending against the three great powers
The province of silesia...
Which he had seized
In the war of the austrian succession
Against his word.
Yes, I remember.
Was now dependent on pitt's subsidies.
My lords, my ladies, on your feet, please!
I must ask you to do exactly as I say
Or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes!
Well, not right between the eyes, I mean...
When I say "between the eyes"
Obviously I don't have to be that accurate.
I mean, if I hit you in that sort of area, like that
Obviously, that's all right for me.
I mean, I don't have to try
And sort of hit a point bisecting a line
Drawn between your pupils, or anything like that.
I mean, from my point of view, it's perfectly satisfactory...
What do you want?
Why are you here?
Well, why are any of us here?
I mean, when you get down to it
It's all so meaningless, isn't it?
I mean, what do any of us want?
No, no, what do you want now?
Oh, I see, oh, just the usual things
A little place of my own, the right girl...
No, no, no!
What do you want from us?
Oh, um... your gold, your silver, your jewelry.
You've taken it all.
This is all we've got left.
That's nice.
I'll have them.
Come on.
You'd better take the bloody lupin, too.
Thank you very much.
I've gone through that stage.
Dennis moore, dennis moore, etcetera, etcetera.
What you got for us today, then?
Well, I've managed to find you
Four very nice silver spoons, mr. jenkins.
Who do you think you are
Giving us poor this rubbish?
Bloody silver--
Won't have it in the house.
And those candlesticks
You got us last week
Were only 16-carat.
Yeah, why don't you go out and steal something nice
Like some venetian silver?
Or a velasquez for the outside loo.
Oh, all right.
Dennis moore, dennis moore, riding through the land
Dennis moore, dennis moore, without a merry band
He steals from the poor and gives to the rich
Stupid bitch.
What did you sing?
We sang, "he steals from the poor and gives to the rich."
Wait a tic...
Blimey, this redistribution of wealth
Is trickier than I thought.
Good evening, and welcome to another edition of prejudice
The show that gives you a chance to have a go
At wops, krauts, nigs, eyeties, gippos, bubbles, froggies
Chinks, yidds, jocks, polacks, paddies and dagoes.
Tonight's show comes live
From the tiny village of rabid in buckinghamshire.
And our first question tonight is from a mrs. elizabeth scrint
Who says she is going on a mediterranean cruise next week
And can't find anything wrong with the syrians.
Well, mrs. scrint, apart from being
Totally unprincipled, left-wing troublemakers
The syrians are also born skivers.
They're dirty, smelly and untrustworthy
And, of course, they're friends of the awful gippos.
Well, there you are, mrs. scrint.
Hope that answers some of your problems.
Have a nice trip.
Well, now, the result of last week's competition
When we asked you
To find a derogatory term for the belgians.
Well, the response was enormous
And we took quite a long time sorting out the winners.
There were some very clever entries.
A mrs. hatred, of leicester, said
"let's not call them anything, let's just ignore them."
And a mr. st. john, of huntingdon, said
He couldn't think of anything more derogatory than "belgians."
But in the end, we settled on three choices.
Number three, "the sprouts"
Sent in by mrs. vicious, of hastings.
Very nice.
Number two, "the phlegms"
From mrs. childmolester, of worthing.
But the winner was undoubtedly
From mrs. no-supper-for-you, from norwood in lancashire
"miserable, fat belgian bastards."
Very good, very good, thank you, carol.
But, as you know, on this program
We're not just prejudiced against race or color.
We're also prejudiced against-- yes, you've guessed--
Stinking homosexuals!
So before the streets start emptying in chelsea tonight
Let's go straight over to our popular prejudiced panel game
And invite you once again to "shoot the poof"!
And could our first contestant sign in, please?
Our first contestant is a hairdresser from...
Ooh, I never did like that kind of person.
Halt! halt!
Gentlemen, ladies, bring out your valuables, please.
Oh, no!
Come along, sir, come along.
Come along, madam.
Now...
Is that all you've got?
Yes.
Well, he's got much more than you
So you'd better have some of his.
He's got a lot of these.
Oh, sorry... pick them up in a moment.
There's about, oh, what, nine down there
So you must have about...
Oh, he's still got lots...
You've got what?
You've got more than he started with
So if I give you some of those...
Uh, well, now, look, if I give you that, uh...
Have you got a bit of jewelry?
Yes, if I give you that one
And you have some of his coins...
Is that another box?
Were you trying to hide it?
Ooh, that's nice!
I'll have that.
Right.
Now, I've got a tiara...
You've got one, you've got one.
You've got one of the boxes.
You've got one.
Anyone else got a tiara?
Take your hat off.
Oh, honestly
It's absolutely pointless
Trying to do this if you're going to cheat.
It really is awful of you.
I thought you should have won.
I mean, judicially, you swept the board.
All right, he had posture
But where was he in the summing up?
Oh, shut up, melford, there's always next year.
Monty python's flying circuses.
Tonight jeremy toogood reads redgauntlet by sir walter scott.
Hello.
The sunsoot...
The sunsiett...
The sun... the sunset!
The sunset waas... was, was...
The sunset was... di... deeing... dying
Over the hile... hiel... he... heels...
Oh, hills, hills!
Of... slow... sol... way firth.
The love piper... the lone piper.
The lone piper... on the ba...
Batt... ly... ments...
Of ed... ebing... ebingundir... ed... edingburgher...
Edinburgh!
Edinburgh... castle
Was sil... silhou...
Saluted... s... si...
"the sunset was dying
"over the hills of solway firth.
"the lone piper on the battlements of edinburgh castle
Was silhouetted against the crim..." crimsy...
Crimson!
Against the crimson streeds... stre...
Streaked.
Streaked?
Crimson-streaked sky.
In the shadows of carriganu...
Cran... crungrin...
Cairngorm!
Ah!
In the shadows of cairngorm
The layt...
Laird!
Laird! laird! laird!
Laird of... of... of...
Laird of monteu...
Montreux...
Montrose.
Montrose. montrose. montrose.
The laird of montrose...
Gal-loped?
Galloped...
"the lone piper
On the battlements of edinburgh castle..."
Next.
Here on top of edinburgh castle
In conditions of extreme secrecy
Men are being trained
For the british army's first kamikaze regiment--
The queen's own mckamikaze highlanders.
So successful has been
The training of the kamikaze regiment
That the numbers have dwindled
From 30,000 to just over a dozen in three weeks.
What makes these young scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?
The money's good.
And the water skiing.
Attention!
All right, sergeant major, at ease.
Now, how many chaps you got left?
Six, sir.
Six?
Five, sir... good luck, johnson.
Jolly good show, sergeant major.
I've come to tell you
We've got a job for your five lads.
Four, sir.
For your four lads.
Good luck, taggart.
Thank you, sarge.
Now, this mission's going to be dangerous
And it's going to be tough and we're going to need
Every lad of yours to pull his weight.
Now, which four are they?
These three here, sir.
Okay, off you go, smith.
Right!
Sergeant major.
Sir?!
You don't think it might be a good idea
To stop the training program for a little bit?
They got to be trained, sir-- it's a dangerous job.
Yes, I know but...
All right, macpherson, you're next-- off you go.
You see, what is worrying me, sergeant major...
I'll make it a good one, sir!
Good luck, macpherson.
Macpherson... only this mission
Really is very dangerous.
We're going to need both the chaps you've got left.
Both of who, sir?
Sergeant major, what's this man's name?
This one, sir?
This one's macdonald, sir.
Macdonald...
Go, lad. no, no, no.
Hang on to macdonald, sergeant major.
Hang on to him.
I don't know whether I can, sir.
He's in a state of itsubishi kyoto mcsayonara.
What's that?
It's the fifth state a scotsman can achieve, sir.
He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime
Or he thinks he's let down the emperor, sir.
Well, can't we get him out of it?
Oh, I don't know how to, sir.
Our kamikaze instructor, mr. yashimoto, was so good
He never left tokyo airport.
Well, there must be someone else who can advise us.
Good morning.
Kamikaze, please.
Yes, would you go through, please?
Thank you.
All right, sergeant major.
No time to lose.
Beg pardon, sir?
No time to lose.
No what, sir?
No time... no time to lose.
Oh, I see, sir.
No time... to lose!
Yes, that's right, yes.
Yes, no time to lose, sir.
Right!
Isn't that funny, sir.
I've never come across that phrase before.
"no time to lose."
42 years I've been in the regular army
And I've never heard that phrase.
Well, it's in perfectly common parlance.
In what, sir?
Oh, never mind.
Right-- no time to lose.
Eventually, yes, sir.
What?
Well, like you said, sir.
We'll be able to make time eventually--
Without to lose, sir, no.
Look, um, I don't think you've quite got
The hang of this phrase, sergeant major.
Morning.
No time to lose.
Now, then, how were you thinking
Of using this phrase?
Uh...
Well, I was thinking of using it like, uh...
Uh... "good morning, dear.
What is in no time to lose?"
Yes, well, you've not quite got
The hang of that, have you?
No time to lose.
Now, you want to use this phrase
In everyday conversation, is that right?
Yes, that's right, yes.
Yes, good.
My wife and I have...
My wife and I have never had a great deal to say to each other.
In the old days we used to find things to say
Like "pass the sugar" or "that's my flannel"
But in the last ten or 15 years
There just hasn't seemed to be anything to say.
And anyway, I saw your phrase advertised in the paper
And I thought that's the kind of thing
I'd like to say to her.
Yes, well, what we normally suggest
For a beginner such as yourself
Is that you put your alarm clock back ten minutes in the morning
So you can wake up, look at the clock
And use the phrase immediately.
Shall we try it?
Yes.
All right.
I'll be the alarm clock.
When I go off
Look at me and use the phrase, okay?
No! time to lose.
No. no time to lose.
No time to lose.
No. to lose, like toulouse in france.
No time toulouse.
No. no time to lose.
No, no time to lose.
"no-time toulouse... "
All right, you yellow-bellied sidewinder
Go for your guns.
Anyway, no time to lose, sergeant major.
Look out, sir!
Macdonald!
We'll have to hurry, sir.
Macdonald, put that down.
Put that down, lad.
He's reached the sixth plane already, sir.
Right, here are the plans, sergeant major.
Good luck.
Thank you, sir.
And good luck to you, macdonald.
Thank you, sir.
Come on, macdonald.
No time to lose.
Very good, sergeant major.
Yes, excellent.
So it was
That on a cold november morning
R.s.m. urdoch and sapper macdonald--
One of the most highly trained kamikaze experts
The scottish highlands have ever witnessed
Left on a mission which was to...
Oh, I can't go on with this drivel.
All right, macdonald.
No time to lose.
Macdonald!
Come on. up.
Well, that's the mission, now here's the method.
R.s.m. urdoch will lull the enemy
Into a false sense of security
By giving them large quantities of money
A good home and a steady job.
Then, when they're upstairs with the wife
Sapper macdonald will hurl himself at the secret documents
Destroying them and himself.
Well, that's the plan.
The time is now 19.42 hours.
I want you to get to bed, have a good night's rest
And be on parade early in the morning.
Thank you for listening
And thank you for a lovely supper.
And... and... and sue...
So. so, so...
So the... the in... intriptid
Intrepid.
Intrepid r.s.m. urdoch and super...
Sapper.
Sapper... sapper macdonald...
M... made.. mead...
Made!
Made their why...
Way! way! way!
Way... way to... toarro...
Towards!
Towards...
Towards the... the ruust... ruusty...
Rrr... ruusty... russian.
Russian!
Russian bolder...
Border! border! border!
And so, and so r.s.m. urdoch and sapper macdonald made their way
Towards the russian bolder...
Border!
Hmm?
Penguins, yes, penguins.
What relevance do penguins have
To the furtherance of medical science?
Well, strangely enough, quite a lot--
A major breakthrough, maybe.
It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus
Accidentally growing on a sterile plate
That sir alexander fleming gave the world penicillin.
James watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling
And conceived the potentiality of steam power.
Would albert einstein ever have hit upon
The theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever?
All these tremendous leaps forward
Have been taken in the dark.
Would rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried?
Could marconi have invented the radio
If he hadn't by pure chance
Spent years working at the problem?
Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved
Except by years and years of unremitting study?
Of course not.
What I said earlier about accidental discoveries
Must have been wrong.
Nevertheless, scientists believe that these penguins
These comic, flightless, web-footed little bastards
May finally, unwittingly help man
To fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind.
Professor rosewall of the laver institute.
Hello.
Here at the institute, professor charles pasarall
Dr. peaches bartkowicz and myself
Have been working on the theory
Originally postulated by the late dr. kramer
That the penguin is intrinsically more intelligent
Than the human being.
The first thing that dr. kramer came up with was
That the penguin has a much smaller brain than the man.
This postulate formed the fundamental basis
Of all of his thinking
And remained with him until his death.
Now, we've taken this theory one stage further.
If we increase the size of the penguin
Until it is the same height as the man
And then compare the relative brain sizes
We now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller.
But-- and this is the point-- it is larger than it was.
For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man
The penguin would have to be over 66 feet high.
This theory has become known as the "waste of time theory"
And was abandoned in 1956.
Hello again.
Standard i.q. tests gave the following results.
The penguins scored badly when compared
With primitive human subgroups like the bushmen of the kalahari
But better than bbc program planners.
The bbc program planners' surprisingly high total here
Can be explained away
As being within the ordinary limits of statistical error.
One particularly dim program planner
Can cock the whole thing up.
These i.q. tests
Were thought to contain an unfair cultural bias
Against the penguin.
For example, it didn't take into account
The penguins' extremely poor educational system.
To devise a fairer system of tests
A team of our researchers spent 18 months in antarctica
Living like penguins
And subsequently dying like penguins-- only quicker--
Proving that the penguin is a clever little sod
In his own environment.
Therefore, we devised tests to be given to the penguins
In the fourth set--
I do beg your pardon-- in their own environment.
Net!
Shh!
What is the next number in this sequence?
Two, four, six...
Did he say "eight"?
What is...
The environmental barrier had been removed
But we'd hit another-- the language barrier.
The penguins could not speak english
And were therefore unable to give the answers.
This problem was removed in the next series of experiments
By asking the same questions to the penguins
And to a random group of non-english-speaking humans
In the same conditions.
What is the next number?
Two, four, six...
Hello?
The results of these tests were most illuminating.
The penguins' scores were consistently equal
To those of the non-english-speaking group.
These inquiries led to certain changes at the bbc...
While attendances at zoos boomed.
Soon these feathery little hustlers
Were infiltrating important positions everywhere.
Help.
Oh!
Vizna veshchat.
Pravda karamentov.
We must study them
In conditions of absolute secrecy.
Nyet?
Look out!
Nyet?
He hasn't gone off.
Slovati, tovarish!
What?
And welcome to spot the looney, where once again, we invite you
To come with us all over the world
To meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places
And ask you to...
Spot the looney.
Our panel this evening: gurt svensson
The swedish mammal abuser and part-time radiator...
Good evening.
Dame elsie occluded-- historian, wit, bon viveur
And rear half of the johnson brothers...
Good evening.
And miles yellowbird up high in banana tree
The golfer and inventor of catholicism.
Good evening.
And we'll be inviting them to spot the looney.
Ah, yes, quite right.
A viewer from preston there who's pointed out correctly
That the entire panel are loonies.
Five points to preston there
And on to our first piece of film.
It's about mountaineering
And remember, you have to spot the looney.
The legendary south face of ben macdhui--
Dark, forbidding...
Yes, well done.
Mrs. nesbitt of york spotted the looney
In 1.8 seconds.
On to our second round, and it's photo time.
We're going to invite you to look at photos
Of tony jacklin, anthony barber, edgar allan poe, katy boyle
Reginald maudling and a looney.
All you have to do is spot the looney.
Now, I must ask you please not to ring in
Until you've seen all the photos.
Yes, you're right, the answer was, of course, number two.
I'm afraid there's been an error in our computer.
The correct answer should, of course, have been number four
And not katy boyle.
Katy boyle is not a looney.
She is a television personality.
Now it's time for spot the looney historical adaptation.
This time, it's the thrilling medieval romance, ivanhoe
A stirring story of love and war, violence and chivalry
Set amidst the pageantry and splendor
Of 13th-century england.
All you have to do is spot the looney.
Yes, well done, mrs. l. of leicester
Mrs. b. of buxton and mrs. g. of gatwick.
The looney was, of course, the writer, sir walter scott.
I didn't write that.
Sounds more like dickens.
You bastard!
Was sir walter scott a looney or was he the greatest flowering
Of the early 19th-century romantic tradition?
The most underestimated novelist of the 19th century
Or merely a disillusioned and bitter man...
Excuse me, can I borrow that, please?
Yes.
Thank you.
These trees behind me now were planted over 40 years ago
As part of a policy by the then crown woods
Who became the forestry commission in 1924.
The forestry commission systematically replanted
This entire area-- shh!
That's 40,000 acres of virgin forest.
By 1980, this will have risen
Up to 200,000 acres of soft woods.
In commercial terms, a coniferous cornucopia
An evergreen el dorado
A tree-lined treasure trove--
No!-- a fat fir cone future for the financiers.
But what of the cost...
It's mine!
Go away!-- in human terms?
Who are the casualties?
...for this was sir walter scott's country.
In many of his finest romances
Such as guy mannering or redgauntlet...
Give that back!
No!-- scott showed himself to be not only a fine...
The spruces and firs of this forest will be used...
Also a writer of humor and...
Britain's timber resources are being used up
At the rate of over...
One man who knew scott was angus tinker.
Much of scott's greatest work--
And I'm thinking here particularly
Of heart of midlothian and old mortality, for example--
Are concerned with preserving the life and conditions...
Forestry research here has shown
That a wholly synthetic, soft-timber fiber
Can be created, leaving the harder trees--
The oaks, the beeches, the larches and the pines
And even some of the deciduous hardwoods.
This new soft-timber fiber
Would totally replace the plywoods, hardboards and chipboards
At present dominating the...
In the waverley novels
Scott was constantly concerned to protect a way of life...
...and aspirations within the necessary limitations
Of the gothic novel.
Scott explored the tortuous
And at times self-destructive...
Developments in reinforced timber...
Scott lived in abbotsford in the heart of the country...
...a subjugated country...
...the canadian timber exports
Which were still recovering from the effects
Of two unsuccessful...
In rob roy and also in...
...the decline in hard...
Thened... then-ed...
Then.
Then! ah!
The end!
Next week on book at bedtime
Jeremy toogood will be reading anna sewell's black bu...
Butt... black beaut...
Black buttoon.
Black... bug... butom.
Good evening, we've got an action-packed evening for you
Tonight on thames.
But right now, here's a rotten old bbc program.
And now...
It's...
Ladies and gentlemen...
Mr. chairman, friends of the society
Your dummy royal highness.
Once again
The year has come full circle
And for me there can be no greater privilege and honor
Than to that to which it is my lot
To have befallen this evening.
There can be no finer honor
Than to welcome into our midst tonight
A guest who has not only done
Only more than not anyone for our society
But nonetheless, has only done more.
He started in the film industry in 1924;
He started again in 1946;
And, finally, in 1963.
He has been dead for four years
But he has not let that prevent him
From coming here this evening.
Ladies and gentlemen...
No welcome could be more heartfelt
Than that which I have no doubt
You will all want to join with me in giving
This great showbiz stiff.
Ladies and gentlemen
To read the nominations for the "light entertainment" award
The remains of the late sir alan waddle.
The nominations are:
Mr. edward heath for "the new suit sketch"...
Mr. richard baker for "lemon curry"...
Lemon curry?
And the third parachute brigade amateur dramatic society
For "the oscar wilde sketch."
My congratulations, wilde.
Your latest play is a great success.
The whole of london's talking about you.
There is only one thing in the world
Worse than being talked about
And that is not being talked about.
Very, very witty, very, very witty.
There is only one thing in the world
Worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
I wish I had said that.
You will, oscar, you will.
Your majesty, have you met james mcneill whistler?
Yes, we've played squash together.
There is only one thing worse than playing squash together
And that is playing it by yourself.
I wish I hadn't said that.
You did, oscar, you did.
Well, I've got to get back up the palace.
You majesty is like a big jam doughnut
With cream on the top.
I beg your pardon?
Um...
It... it was one of whistler's.
I never said that.
You did, james, you did.
Well... uh...
Well, your highness
What I meant was that, like a doughnut, um...
Your arrival gives us pleasure
And your departure only makes us hungry for more.
Your highness, you are also
Like a stream of bat's piss.
What?!
It is one of wilde's.
It sodding was not!
It was shaw!
I... I merely meant, your majesty
That you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
Oh...
Right.
Smart ass.
Right?
Your majesty is like a dose of clap.
Before you arrive is pleasure
And after is a pain in the dong.
What?!
One of shaw's. one of
One of shaw's.
You bastards.
Um... what I meant, your majesty, what I meant...
We've got him, jim.
Come on, shawy.
I merely meant...
Come one, shawy!
Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.
Come on, shawy.
Very amusing, lord campbell
But would you excuse me a moment?
I want to powder my nose.
That's better.
Charwoman!
Yes! charwoman!
Sweeping away the last remnants of male chauvinism
Polishing off all who dare stand in her way
And cleaning up in the publishing game.
Yes, all these and more
As charwoman once again takes to the sky!
Well, maybe next week.
Ladies and gentlemen
Seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege
Than it is for me now to announce that the next award
Gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man
Without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill
The british film industry would be today.
I refer, of course, to my friend and colleague, mr. david niven.
Sadly, david niven cannot be with us tonight
But he has sent his fridge.
This is the fridge
In which david keeps most of his milk, butter and eggs.
What a typically selfless gesture
That he should send this fridge, of all of his fridges
To be with us tonight.
The nominations
For the "best foreign film director" are:
Monsieur richard attenborough
Ricardo de attenbergie
Rik artenborough
Ri chard at en bollo
And pier paolo pasolini.
Before we hear the joint winner
Let's see the one that came sixth.
Let us see pier paolo pasolini's latest film.
Mmm...
Mmm.
Excuse me.
Ha!
There's lots of people making love
But there's no mention
Of geoff boycott's average.
Who is geoff boycott?
And in t'film, we get fred titmus.
Si, titmus, si, si...
The symbol of man's regeneration
Through radical marxism, fair enough.
But we never once get a chance
To see him turn his off-breaks
On that brisbane sticky.
Aye, and what were all that dancing
Through ray illinworth's innings?
47 not out, and the bird comes up
And feeds him some grapes.
And we never saw him declare.
What is declare?
What's on the other side?
Nobody could be prouder...
Um... shall we go down and give blood?
Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping around my neck.
They don't do it like that!
They take it from your arm.
I can't give it.
I caught swamp fever in the tropics.
You've never even been to the tropics.
You've never been south of sidcup.
You can catch it off lampposts.
Catch what?
Oh, I don't know, I'm all confused.
You ought to go and see a psychiatrist.
You're a loony.
You might even need a new brain.
Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain.
Well, you could get one of those curry's brains.
How much are they?
I don't know.
I'll have a look in the catalogue.
Here we are...
Battery lights, dynamo lights
Rear lights...
Brains-- here we are.
I'm still confused.
Oh, there's a nice one here.
13 and six-- it's one of curry's own brains.
That one looks nice, what's that?
That's a mudguard!
It's only eight bob.
Oh, I think it's worth
The extra five bob for the brain.
I'll give them a ring.
Hello, curry's?
I'd like to try one of your 13 and sixpenny brains, please.
Yes.
Yes...
Yes, ye... um...
Five and a half.
Thank you.
They're sending someone round.
Ooh, that was quick.
Come in.
Uh... hello.
Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?
Yes, that's right.
Are you the man from curry's?
No, I've just come to say that he's on his way.
Would you sign this please?
Thank you very much.
Ooh...
Thank you.
Sorry.
Sorry to bother you.
Thank you.
He's just coming now.
Come in.
Here he is.
Hello?
Hello!
That's not a proper salesman.
I'm not buying one from him.
He doesn't give you confidence.
He doesn't give me any confidence at all.
He's obviously a dummy.
I'll ring curry's.
Hello, curry's?
That salesman you sent round is obviously a dummy.
Oh, thank you very much.
They're sending round a real one.
Come in.
Good morning.
Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?
Yes, that's right.
All right, rutherford.
I'll take over.
Ooh, that's nice!
Yes, we sell a lot of these.
Right, shall we try a fitting?
Oh, do I have to have an operation?
No, madam, you just strap it on.
Doesn't it go inside my head?
Oh, not the roadster, madam, no.
You're thinking of the brainette major.
How much is that?
44 and six.
Oh, no, it's not worth it.
Not with the curry's surgery we use, no, madam.
Now then, the best bet is
The bertrand russell super silver.
That's a real beauty--
250 quid plus hospital treatment.
Ooh, that's a lot.
It's color. right.
One, two, three, testing, testing.
Mince pie for me, please.
What did she say that for?
Quiet, please, it's not adjusted yet.
Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride.
I've been a tory all my life, my life, my life.
Good morning, mr. presley.
How well you look, you look very well.
Our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour.
Well, well, well, boys.
Well, well, ell...
Hello, hello... dear.
Hello, dear!
Oh!
Right.
One, two, three...
Eight... seven...
Four.
Good.
Oh, she never knew that before.
Quiet, please.
Mrs. zambezi, who wrote the theory of relativity?
I know, I know!
Quiet, please.
Einstain, einstone
Einsteen, einston
Einstin, einstin... einstein.
Good.
Noel einstein.
Right-- that'll be 13 and six, please.
Oh, that's marvelous!
She can take it off at night
Unless she wants to read, of course.
And don't ask her too many questions
Because it'll get hot.
If you do have any trouble
Here's my card.
Give us a ring.
Give us a ring and either myself or mr. rutherford
Will come and see you.
Good-bye.
Thank you very much.
Uh... he's gone now.
Uh, shall we, uh...
Go down and give blood?
Yes, please, mr. roosevelt
But try and keep the noise to a minimum.
Oh, that's good.
I'll go and get your coat for you.
I'm quite warm in this stick of celery
Thank you, senator muskie.
Stapling machine, mr. clarke.
New brain.
Stapling machine, mrs. worral.
Stapling machine, mrs. zambezi.
Are you sure that's working all right?
Yes, thank you, it's marvelous.
Thank you.
I think if we can win
One or two of the early primaries
We could split the urban republican vote wide open.
Um, here we are, then.
Well, being president of the united states
Is something I shall have to think about.
Blood donors that way, please.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
What?
No.
No, I'm sorry, but no.
No, you may not give urine
Instead of blood.
No, well, I don't care if you want to.
No, there's no such thing as a urine bank.
Please.
No, we have no call for it.
We have quite enough of it
Without volunteers coming in here donating it.
Just a specimen.
No, we don't want a specimen.
We either want your blood or nothing.
I'll give you some blood if you'll give me...
What?
A thing to do some urine in.
No, no, just go away, please.
Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.
Fine, well, you don't have to-- just go away.
Can I give you some spit?
No.
Sweat?
No.
Earwax?
No.
Look, this is a blood bank.
All we want is blood.
All right, I'll give you some blood.
Where did you get that?
Today-- it's today's.
What group is it?
Uh, what groups are there?
There's "a"...
It's "a."
Wait a moment.
It's mine.
This blood's mine.
What are you doing with it?
I found it.
You stole it out of my body, didn't you?!
No.
No wonder I'm feeling off-col...
Give that back.
It's mine.
It is not yours-- you stole it.
Never.
Give it back to me.
All right, but only if I can give urine.
Get in the queue.
Good afternoon, and welcome to wife swapping from redcar.
And the big news this afternoon
Is that the british boy boris rogers has succeeded
In swapping his nine-stone, welsh-born wife
For a ford popular and a complete set of dickens.
Well, now, I can see they're ready at the start
So let's go now over to the start of the 3:30.
And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting.
Number 12, betty parkinson, seven to four on favorite
Number 27, mrs. colyer, nine to four
Five to one, bar those.
And here's the starter, mrs. alec marsh
And they're off.
And mrs. rogers is the first to show.
There she goes into mr. johnson's
And mrs. johnson across to mr. colyer
Followed closely by mrs. casey on the inside.
Mrs. parkinson, number 12, going well there
Into mr. webster's from the co-op.
Mrs. colyer's making ground fast after a poor start.
She's out of mr. casey's, into mr. parkinson's.
She's a couple of lengths ahead of mrs. johnson
Who's still not out of mr. casey's.
Mrs. penguin and number eight, mrs. colyer--
These two now at the head of the field
From mrs. brown, mrs. atkins, mrs. parkinson
Mrs. warner and mrs. rudd-- all still at mr. philips's.
Mrs. penguin making the running now
Challenged strongly by mrs. casey.
Mrs. casey coming very fast on the inside.
It's going to be mrs. casey coming from behind.
Now she's making a break on the outside.
Mrs. penguin running... and at the line, it's mrs. casey
Who's got it by a short head
From mrs. penguin, in second place
Mrs. parkinson in third, mrs. rudd, mrs. colyer, mrs. warner
And there's mrs. griffiths, who's remained unswapped.
Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now
The man who owned and trained the winner, mrs. casey--
Mr. casey.
Well done, jack.
Thank you, john.
Well, were you at all surprised
About this, jack?
No, not really, no.
She's been going very well in training
And at doncaster last week
And I fancy her very strongly
For the cheltenham weekend.
Well, thank you very much indeed, jack.
We must leave you now
Because it's time for the team event.
Hello and a very warm welcome
From the tower ballroom suite at reading
Where there's very little in it.
They're neck and neck, crop and grummit, real rack and saddle
Brick and bucket, horse and tooth
Cap and thigh, arse over tip
They're absolutely birds of a feather
There's not a new pin in it
You couldn't get a melon between them.
Well, now, everything rests on the formation event
And here comes the north west with the mambo.
Maestro, take it away, please.
And now it's time for rugby league
And highlights of this afternoon's game
Between keighley and hull kingston rovers.
Well, good afternoon
And as you can see, hull kingston rovers
Are well in the lead.
It's a scrum down on the 25 of keighley
Tom colyer with the put in, mrs. colyer to be put.
And there goes his wife into the scrum.
And hull have got the heel against the head.
Doing very nicely with this scrum
Some very good packing here.
Warrington's picked her up.
Is he going to let her go?
No, he passes her to carrington.
Well, that was right on the whistle
Rovers walking it down, winning easily
By 26 points to two.
Just a reminder that on match of the day tonight
You can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games:
Mrs. robinson v. manchester united
And southampton v. mr. rogers-- a rather unusual game that.
And here's a late result.
Coventry city, nil, mr. johnson's una, three.
Coventry going down at home there.
Just a little reminder
That the next sport you can see on bbc 1
Will be 9:20 on wednesday night
When wife swapping with coleman comes live from my place.
Till then, good night.
There they go, the credits of the year--
Credits that you and the society voted
As "the credits that brought the most credit to the society."
Sadly, the man who designed them cannot be with us tonight
As he is at home, asleep.
But we are going to wake him up and tell him the good news.
Are you there in bristol, arthur briggs?
Oh, my god!
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for.
No, not that moment
Although that moment is coming in a moment.
The moment I'm talking about is the moment when we present
The "award for the cast with the most awards" award
And this year is no exception.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you join me
And welcome, please
The winners of this year's mountbatten trophy
Show business's highest accolade
The cast of "the dirty vicar" sketch.
Well, now let us see the performances
Which brought them this award.
Let us see "the dirty vicar" sketch.
Have you seen lady windermere's new carriage, dear?
Absolutely enchanting!
Isn't it!
The new vicar to see you, m'lady.
Ah-- send him in, chivers.
Certainly, m'lady.
Now, how is your tea, dear?
A little more water, perhaps?
Thank you.
It's delightful as it is.
The reverend ronald simms, the dirty vicar of st. michael's...
Hello, hello, hello.
Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff!
I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers.
How do you find the vicarage?
I like tits!
Whoa!
Oh, vicar!
Oh, my goodness.
I do beg your pardon.
How dreadful.
My first day in my new parish
And I completely just lost my head.
So sorry.
Yes-- never mind, never mind.
Chivers, send mary in
With a new gown, will you?
Certainly, m'lady.
I do beg your pardon.
I'll help you sit down.
I'm so sorry.
As I was saying
How do you find the new vicarage?
Oh-- oh, yes, certainly.
Yes, indeed.
I find the grounds delightful
And the servants most attentive--
Particularly the little serving maid
With great, big knockers!
When she gets going...
Well, there we are.
Another year has been too soon, alas, ended
And I think none more than myself
Can be happier at this time than I am.